Okay, make that low sodium salt for me….
I’ve always been plagued with anxiety. It’s as if anxiety and I are a packaged deal. However, I’ve never experienced anxiety like I do now, after endocarditis. People have asked me how the surgery went, how I’m healing, am I in pain? And honestly, the surgery wasn’t really THAT bad. Yes, it was definitely hard at times, like crying all the time, six Tylenol-a-day, needed help out of bed kind of hard. I went from being an active young person, training for a half marathon, doing yoga 3-4 times a week–finally conquered headstand!–to not being able to walk two houses from my own without feeling faint. The surgery was fine, the healing from the surgery is fine, but the anxiety of the past and future are what cause me the most pain.
Now, this blog is to be an uplifting one so don’t feel sorry for me! I want to be honest with people who come across this because I want to share my experience to help people know that IT WILL BE OK. Help me realize that I WILL BE OK.
So, on to the uplifting part of this post! I am a Christian, always have been. Took a hiatus from the ages of 14-24 because I was an agnostic hippie, believing that the universe took care of things, believing that one religion wasn’t going to cut it for me because all my friends growing up were from different backgrounds–Mormon, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, Baptist– and they were all wonderful people. I still believed in God, but didn’t have a relationship with Him, He was just “there”. I can’t imagine what this journey would be like if I still counted on the universe and the universe alone to get me through.
I am still completely 100% open minded to different religions and cultures. I found Christ again at a church in Redlands, CA on October 18th, 2009. Geoff and my friend Adriana were huge influences in getting me to go to church, again. However, God was still just “there” a lot of the time. I didn’t let Him in completely until September of this year. When I knew I would die without believing in something…don’t get sad! It’s uplifting, remember!
I think this happens to many people who are struggling with life, their relationship with God becomes stronger. Or their relationship with family or whoever they need as a support becomes needed more than ever. I needed God because I was not liking life so much before I got sick, and once I let Him in He cleaned me up. I asked him to open my heart to the goodness in my life, so I could see the beauty in my life…and boy did God listen.
He’s funny sometimes…
Okay, okay, now everything I’m telling you is about to come together (I tend to make long stories even longer than they need to be…)
Remember, I was talking about my anxiety?
I read an online bible study called SheReadsTruth.
It’s a wonderful online community! I’ve never done a bible study before so it’s been very rewarding for me. Last night I had intense anxiety–not quite an anxiety attack–but anxiety enough to make me lose my appetite. Anxiety of getting sick again…I woke up this morning feeling a little anxious, probably carried over from last night’s episode. I read the devotional today from SheReadsTruth and it helped push the anxiety aside. Reading the verse “God is here to help you” reminded me I’m not a lone. It posed questions about how we share God’s goodness in our lives with those around us? I am hoping this blog helps me do just that.
Even if you’re not a Christian, I hope this blog can somehow bring you peace, knowing that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, we just need to change our perspectives. I want to live full of grace, to be an example that miracles do happen and to be thankful. I want to be real with you all and let you know living full of grace and knowing life is beautiful, ALWAYS beautiful, is hard. But it’s the truth. Knowing we are never alone, that we are always cared for, is something to be thankful for. I’m thankful to have had my heart literally opened so I can let so much more in! I’m thankful for my scar because it can help me help others. I’m thankful that I’m not alone…and neither are you.
Amen, namaste, shalom….